When You're Tired

I wonder what i'll type. I haven't slept in a solid 48 hours, and I feel... Oddly mellow I suppose. I figure I should have to sleep tonight, my body needs it. I wonder how our brains would process information differently if we didn't sleep. Without dreams, hold can the subconscious guide the conscious? Would we become hyper aware, or maybe contemplate through meditation.
I think I figured out a piece of the answer to my question earlier.
I know it's a cycle. I know that by giving myself background noise, I'm making it easier to shut out more thoughts and so forth and so on, i get that. I know it's more than just an over-saturation of flash and gimmick that gets shoved into your ear every hour. I'm at a place where I understand that I'm choosing to live in the moment. I mean, I have been. I loathe setting long term goals nowadays. It's something about the fragility of saying you will or won't do something.
My mind is the type that is always pushing the boundaries of what should or shouldn't be. Once you say something will be, it's almost a challenge to make it not so. Contrary-wise (I don't know if that came from Lewis Carol, Alice in Wonderland, or just the Tweedles specifically, but I enjoyed using it), to tell me that something will not come to pass, is to show me goal, and to ask me not to try.
but what do I know? The world can lose its sheen when you're tired.

Songs and Such

So, I decided not to play music.

Not for a long time or anything, just for an indefinite amount of time. It's not even like I'm giving it up, I just decided to not automatically have some background noise to fill my space. But once I made the decision in my head, my brain begins playing what I guess I'd call the soundtrack of my life. Songs that dredge up old memories, songs that have annoyed me since i was a teenager (oh... don't know why that felt so weird, but it did), songs that make me think of love, sadness, hope, and a range of other emotions that I'm not gonna list.
The point is, why do I need background noise? Why is it that if I'm not playing music from something, I'm reciting it in my head?

I have thoughts.

I make witty banter for everyday life. 

I dream. 

I have millions of pointless and random ideas that fire through my brain, but it can't get priority over music? and not just any music. No, not even music I like. There are nights I lay awake in bed, unable to sleep, because the chorus of Justin Bieber's newest radio hit plays over and over and over and over. And how could it not? It's like the same 10 words. It's vague enough that it can mean whatever you want it to. It's.... Catchy.
I'm tired of catchy. I'm tired of gimmicks. I'm not the type that hates on art, but cmon. What is art? Where do we collectively draw the line on what isn't art? But I think art should make you feel something. It shouldn't be packaged and sold off and modified based on how many units it sells. Art is a lot of things to a lot of people, and... I don't know....

That's why it's art. 

I think?

I feel... and think a lot of things. 

I don't talk about them much because I rationalize "Who cares? We all think and feel. If it's important, then you'll know."

But that whole statement could be wrong. What if the act of me saying a thing at the time of me feeling it is what gives it importance? What if there's someone else in the world that understands the things I think and is waiting on someone else to speak up? Maybe I am unique and truly have a different way of thinking then most.

This was nice. I think I'll do this more often.

Updated Life

So, I haven't posted anything for a while.
What's new... hmm...
Well, I'm trying to go to Japan in the Spring. That's kind of exciting, and I really hope I get to go. My GPA is currently just under the minimum, so we'll see, I guess.
What else, I'm on the Multimedia staff for a student run newspaper. This works perfectly for me, because, and I'm not going to lie here, I'm a pretty bad writer. I practice, but yeah, I'm not the one.
What else... I'm single now. I don't really know how I feel about that. I enjoyed spending time with my girlfriend, and now I have all these memories and residual feelings combined with the knowledge that I haven't really changed. Even if she wanted me back, I don't know if I could, because I really want her to be happy, and if I don't think that I'm yet at the point where I could be what she wanted, and wouldn't it be selfish and irrational to force it? Then I think about what it could be and I don't want to be rational.
But I will. Because it's important to be good to my future self. And who knows, maybe our future selves will click again. Maybe I'll find someone else who makes me feel complete. Maybe

Blue lit silent sentries on the Forty Acres, the police call boxes on campus act as both deterrents of crime and aids for students.

Labeled “POLICE HELP” on the sides, the bright yellow call boxes should be utilized for fire, medical, or similar emergencies, Crime Prevention Unit Officer William Pieper said, but can also be used for smaller emergencies, like keys locked in cars or requesting an escort at night.
Police call boxes at the University of Texas campus have been activated just under an average of five times a week since January, though many were either pranks or non-criminal activations. With an ever expanding campus, the Crime Prevention Unit works with construction companies to access the need for new boxes.
Whenever a new building is proposed on the main campus, UTPD reviews and cooperates with contractors to have at least one call box installed. Installation is less costly if placed in the building’s design rather than after the building is built. The University of Texas pays for the device and fitting, Officer Brewster said.
“I have yet to have a construction program say, ’we’re not going to pay for that’,” Officer Pieper said. “On a new building, we always get a call box installed.”
When pressed, a call box’s blue light will flash as it connects to the police station, who will then ask what services are needed. UTPD runs maintenance once a week to ensure there are no defective devices.  Since the call boxes are in the wind and rain, officers check each box for speaker and microphone clarity. Any call boxes found to be malfunctioning are fixed within 24 to 48 hours, Officer Layne Brewster said.
“Each and every week, someone, an officer normally, will go and physically press the button to test it,” Brewster said.
The over 150 campus call boxes collectively have been activated 198 times since the beginning of this year. While many of the calls are pranks, call boxes have been effectively used in arrests, identifying perpetrators, and protecting victims, Officer Pieper said. The threat of the flashing blue light acts as a deterrent for would-be criminals, even when the boxes are not used.
 While call box use is encouraged when help is needed, pushing a call button when there is no emergency is a Class B misdemeanor, according to the university’s website. Many students on campus see the boxes as a preventative measure rather than a reactive one. Widespread access to smartphones makes Victor Brito, a senior, wonder about the effectiveness of the devices.
“I don’t have any friends who have used one of those things,” Brito said. “Unless my cell phone’s dead, why would I run to a box when I could call 911?”
While quite visible, Heather Burkhalter, 18, said that besides a brief reference at orientation, she didn’t know much at all about the call boxes. The freshman added that for a college campus, however, safety is a necessity.
“I think they’re amazing to have for a college campus,” Burkhalter said. “Safety is a huge priority for students.”


Hope Outdoor Gallery

Music drifted through the air of the HOPE Outdoor Gallery Sunday afternoon, attracting throngs of curious onlookers armed with cameras or smartphones, as artists turned the fresh canvases of the graffiti park into scenes of eclectic imagination, inspiration, and beauty.

Paint particulates in the air can severely damage respiratory functions, so it's important to use a mask 

The Foundation, so nicknamed because of the graffiti park’s origin as a failed condominium project, is nestled on a hill on 11^th and Baylor Street. The prime real estate location makes some wonder if the park will thrive as a tourist attraction or be used for another purpose. Jules Aboloff, an ambassador for the gallery’s art trailer, said that the message they want to send is embedded in the name of HOPE itself.

“Helping Other People Everywhere is the name and the official goal,” said Aboloff. “Hope though, man, that’s what it’s really about, giving people hope.”

About eight yards away from base wall, Victor Ayad, a founding principal of Castle Hill Partners and alumni of the University of Texas, chatted and watched the over twenty artists create things ranging from large sugar skulls and aliens to green hedgehogs and quotes. More than a decade ago, Castle Hill Partners demolished a condo project due to unstable groundwork. The private investment firm was scheduled to rebuild, but instead worked with the HOPE campaign in 2011 to use the western walls for an open art gallery.

The scenery changes about every two weeks, meaning there's always more to see

“When this thing took on the life that it has, I stopped the condominium project for the next two years, because I absolutely love this,” said Ayad.

CanLove, the alias of street artists Paul Ramirez and DJ Neff, presented their project for The Foundation Sunday: a set of checkered fences converted from recycled aerosol cans. Some wore elaborate masks to protect their eyes and noses from the particles and overpowering smell of paint that hung around the lowest level of The Foundation, said EMD1, a local Austin artist. Unlike the camera crew that accompanied CanLove, the local artist came alone.

"I've got a deviated septum from doing this," said EMD1. “But this is my relaxation, this is my art.”

 Dressed in a white wife beater and khaki shorts, EMD1 walked to a secluded corner with a few cans of All City spray-paint and a ladder. His colors of choice consisted of various shades of blue and a neon green, with a black outline because he liked how the paint feels, he said. The look on the graffiti artist’s face was a mix of curiosity, frustration, and resolve, as if seeing something in the wall he brought out over the course of the afternoon. Paint particles intermingled with the sweat that dripped from his brow as he worked, at times causing a stifled yelp when it would burn his eyes and nose.  Masks got in the way, he explained, and would not work well once you started sweating.

Graffiti artist EDM1 works on his piece as property owner Victor Ayad explains a bit about The Foundation 

In recent years, graffiti culture has become more of an accepted form of artistic expression. The Foundation has won the Readers Best Public Art award twice, according to the Austin Chronicle. In Austin, business owners have worked with graffiti artists and muralists to create appealing works on the sides of brick and mortar shops and restaurants, such as those on Guadalupe Street.

Two weeks later, the scene at The Foundation is thematically different. Gone are many of the cartoon creatures, replaced by realistic birds. EMD1’s work is now covered by a dozen tags of different colors and messages. Two men with spray-paint cans use the border of the once-large sugar skull to create another skeleton figure. Things don’t begin or end as much at the graffiti park, they just change.

The Silent Sentries

 

Blue lit silent sentries on the Forty Acres, the police call boxes on campus act as both deterrents of crime and aids for students.

Labeled “POLICE HELP” on the sides, the bright yellow call boxes should be utilized for fire, medical, or similar emergencies, Crime Prevention Unit Officer William Pieper said, but can also be used for smaller emergencies, like keys locked in cars or requesting an escort at night.

Police call boxes at the University of Texas campus have been activated just under an average of five times a week since January, though many were either pranks or non-criminal activations. With an ever expanding campus, the Crime Prevention Unit works with construction companies to access the need for new boxes.

Whenever a new building is proposed on the main campus, UTPD reviews and cooperates with contractors to have at least one call box installed. Installation is less costly if placed in the building’s design rather than after the building is built. The University of Texas pays for the device and fitting, Officer Brewster said.

“I have yet to have a construction program say, ’we’re not going to pay for that’,” Officer Pieper said. “On a new building, we always get a call box installed.”

When pressed, a call box’s blue light will flash as it connects to the police station, who will then ask what services are needed. UTPD runs maintenance once a week to ensure there are no defective devices.  Since the call boxes are in the wind and rain, officers check each box for speaker and microphone clarity. Any call boxes found to be malfunctioning are fixed within 24 to 48 hours, Officer Layne Brewster said.

“Each and every week, someone, an officer normally, will go and physically press the button to test it,” Brewster said.

The over 150 campus call boxes collectively have been activated 198 times since the beginning of this year. While many of the calls are pranks, call boxes have been effectively used in arrests, identifying perpetrators, and protecting victims, Officer Pieper said. The threat of the flashing blue light acts as a deterrent for would-be criminals, even when the boxes are not used.

 While call box use is encouraged when help is needed, pushing a call button when there is no emergency is a Class B misdemeanor, according to the university’s website. Many students on campus see the boxes as a preventative measure rather than a reactive one. Widespread access to smartphones makes Victor Brito, a senior, wonder about the effectiveness of the devices.

“I don’t have any friends who have used one of those things,” Brito said. “Unless my cell phone’s dead, why would I run to a box when I could call 911?”

While quite visible, Heather Burkhalter, 18, said that besides a brief reference at orientation, she didn’t know much at all about the call boxes. The freshman added that for a college campus, however, safety is a necessity.

“I think they’re amazing to have for a college campus,” Burkhalter said. “Safety is a huge priority for students.”



Halloween

  

 

 

   

 

What are We Doing in this World?

Hmmm... So much to say.... First, Some people have problems (ya, talking to all the sociopaths out there, y'all know who ya are), and they need to see a therapist or have their brain checked. I mean, some people are in shitty relationships and it's funny and sad. If you aren't happy with someone more than 50% of the time, it's probably time to break up.
Next, I found out that hipsters can be funny too (Coldtowne Improv in Austin, look it up). Though I didn't get to go to it tonight, I like that the UT black community is trying to unify with others, I hope th

at went well tonight. I'd love to say that this presidential election is good for America, and that differing ideas will help to promote new growth and potential, but it won't. Romney is a big Fuckhead (And if you're offended by this, have you watched ANY news?), and the majority (I don't say all, because that would be a lie) of the Republican party are either, ignorant, racist, elitist, or too blinded by religion to listen to reason. Democrats are only slightly better, but at least they don't talk about "legitimate rape" (Like really? Rape is rape), say global warming is a myth, or talk about gay marriage like it's the most important thing in the world (Just let them be miserable like the rest of us!).
When I vote, I'm honestly not going to be that proud. This nation, actually no, this WORLD is just spinning it's gears. We should be figuring out how things work, how to end world hunger, how to send people to the moon. But we're busy saying just how wrong and evil "those" people are. The sad part is, it'll probably never change. The last generation says that mine is the one that will:
Be the end of Racism
Send people to mars
Figure out how to fight world hunger and AIDs
and generally just fix things.
But we won't. I mean, we most likely won't. We learned everything from our parents. Our worlds were brought closer together by Facebook and Twitter, and the Internet in general, but hate is still there. Like the west campus students who dropped bleach balloons on black students passing by. Or the guys who torture the gay kid. Or the people who think that every Islamic, Arab, or person person of brown skin is a Terrorist. I Honestly don't know why I'm even writing this. No one will read it because it's too long or it offends them. Or they'll pick apart my argument's little flaws and try to defend their side. I didn't even mean to write this much (I have like, 2 or 3 assignments I actually need to do), this was supposed to be a funny post about an argument with a crazy girl that I heard.
I don't even know what the purpose of this is or should be. I don't know why I want to change the world, or why I should try. Maybe it's enough that I do want to, and that I do try. The original meaning of the word cynic was a philosophy. it was simply to live a life of virtue and logic and to be someone who desires to help people. Now a cynic is someone who no longer has faith in Humanity. I suppose I'm somewhere in between now. Alright, I'm done.

The Ultimate Promise

There's not much I know with certainty, but I know I love you. This might scare you... but here I go...I want to give you this promise. I expect nothing in return. I know that you love me, and for now that is enough for me. I wouldn't change you for the world. If you need this time, then you need it. I trust you.

Mike, I promise to love you and only you for the rest of my life if you'll let me. I promise to protect you when you're afraid and be here for you when you need me, no matter what. I promise myself to you: I promise my heart, mind, and body to you... until you know longer want it, that right is yours. I will be your friend, ally, protector, listener, and lover. I will never knowingly or willingly hurt you. I will always be on your side. I will never use your toothbrush before you. I will never pin your arms while you sleep. I will learn to sleep with fewer blankets, and give you a little room to breathe. I will give you freedom and your space when you need it, and comfort and a place to be held when you need that. I will never again try and guilt you into things you don't want to do. I will not be jealous or catty, because I know your love is mine, I do not need constant reassurance. I will you cook you breakfast in my underwear on Sunday mornings after doing all the things you like on a Saturday night. I will be your best friend. I will trust you. I will hear you out,and listen to your problems and opinions. I will tell you how gorgeous you are at every opportunity and try my hardest to never damage your confidence or ego. I will never miss a chance to say I love you. I will never run away no matter how hard things get. I promise to love you for you, not for a fantasy or who someone else wants you to be. I promise to accept you as you are and never try and change you. I promise to never let things end the way they did with our parents. I promise to be your glo-worm forever. I promise to not sleep with a stuffed animal. I promise to never make you watch cry baby again. I promise to see any future Transformers movies or other action-y things in 3D, no argument.I promise to be your best friend if thats all I can be. I promise to play video games and watch whatever you like half of the time. I promise to never fake it. I promise that your name will be the only name I scream. I promise that no matter where I am you are in my heart and I am thinking of you. I promise that none of the pain, or fear, or confusion you've ever experienced will be a waste. I promise that I will not be a waste of your time or disappoint you. I will not let us go... I promise to love you. 

-Frankie Rae

What's Wrong with Me?

Why is it that everything I watch and read lately directly reflects on me and my life and issues? I just got done reading Divergent (which is a great book/series, don't get me wrong), and all of the weaknesses of the characters mirrior how I am in a way. My inability it care, my willingness to discard my life, even my daddy issues.
Now I'm watching an anime (Called School Days) where the "Hero", Itou, is a real Asshole. He meets this one girl (Named Seikai), right, and tells her that he loves another girl (named katsura). But after Sekai helps Itou get with Katsura, Itou basically gets bored with her and hooks up with Sekai! And he doesn't break up with Katsura. It's horrible and sad, and what's even worse is he ends up cheating on Sekai too!
Now, I've never done that, but the essence of it is what's bothering me. Itou confesses his "Love" for a girl, but once he has her, the "love" vanishes.... In 99% of my relationships, I've been the same way. What does that say about me? And everything lately has kinda been making me take a closer look at who I am and what I believe... I'm not a bad person....
Right? I'm nice, and sweet, and try to care about people. I help people when they ask, and I try to do what I think is best in a situation....
That redeems me?
Right?
:/

Me and Frankie in 4 pictures...

It started with a look I suppose... One look. I saw Rae and something in me snapped. I knew she was the one for me. Later I found out she felt the same way. It was the summer before I became a Sophomore. I was at the theatre day-camp that the director (which was her mother) had two weeks before school started. I didn't really know much about theatre, and I was nervous. But when I saw her, I knew everything would be ok. She always had that effect on me, she could make me feel ok whenever I was scared, or nervous, or sad.

Then came the "Playful Best Friend" Phase. It was no act, it wasn't me trying to get closer by being a friend. We truly were best friends. We told each other some of our deepest fears and desires, and trusted each other with almost everything. We knew how to make each  other laugh, and how to help with our pain.

By this time, she knew my feelings (I never hid that I wanted to be together from the start), but she wasn't ready for it (Later, she eventually told me that she realized that it would be all or nothing with me, and it scared her). So I kept her close, and kept pushing, but let her keep her wall up. I was pretty sure by now that she felt the same, so I had patience. I stayed silly, and we were happy for a time like this. Then she finally said yes...

The love we had will never be duplicated or matched. It was Perfect and beautiful. I'm still amazed by how two broken creatures such as us could have something so perfect. But great things never last.

R.I.P Frankie Rae Baker

I have and always will love you

You will be missed

My Facebook Rant on Race

    "The problem is nobody wants to talk about race anymore. It makes you uncomfortable? Good. It should make you uncomfortable at first. In my family, we openly discussed race (And some people might say it's because i'm mixed, and maybe so.) and my parents made sure that I wasn't ashamed or afraid to talk about race. White Privilege isn't a myth, it's a real thing. You think I'm lying?

Fact: there are only 4.9% of African American Undergraduates at UT, a so called "Super Liberal" University.

Fact: Predominantly black schools receive substantially less funding per pupil than predominantly white suburban schools.

Whites have had and do have an advantage in the world. Instead of acting like it's not true, own up to it, and try to do something about it!
Oh, and last thing, You think because we have a black President that racism is gone? Get real! Racism is everywhere now, and the reason people are saying it's part of our culture is because nobody is willing to stand up and say, this is wrong.

A black police officer was shot 28 (28!!!) times by four white cops. He survived, and now he's been arrested because the four white cops say that he pulled a gun on them! And there's been almost no coverage of it.

A girl on our campus tweeted that it was tempting to shoot Obama. At no point in our nations history have so many people openly disrespected the President, and 9 times out of 10, it's got some sort of racial ties."

And I just found this video of David Banner discussing the Trayvon Martin Issue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_jzYC2DQmY

Jealousy

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them

What is Life?

I'm not about to go into a long speech, I just question it sometimes. What are we doing here? Do we have a purpose, or are we all crazy coincidences? I Read Socrates's Allegory of the Cave, and it got my mind thinking (as good philosophy should do), "Am I simply chained to a wall, unable to see truth?". But regardless if everything is real, or if i'm just imaging it, I'm gonna try to be happy. 

"Imagine a Puddle waking up one morning and thinking,

'This is an interesting world I find myself in. An interesting hole I find myself in, it fits me rather neatly, doesn't it?

In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!'

This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright,

because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it,

so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise"

-Douglas Adams

My Apology... Sort of

I want to start by saying that I'm truly sorry to the people that I've hurt, neglected, or simply treated wrongly in the past. I'd love to tell you I'm a different man now, or that I've changed. I'd love to, but can't. I am the same person now that I was 2, 5, even 9 years ago (Moved to Texas around that time, before then, I was different). I've always just been me, I haven't changed much for the most part. I've been goofy, and I joke a lot, and I've always been one to do things in spite of people. I also acknowledge that there's been times where I used people. I would use them, I'd toy with feelings, then I'd leave them alone before I got attached myself, and for that I do apologize. It was wrong of me, but at the same time, it wasn't all my fault, and I won't burden the blame in it's entirety. Anyone who I did that to, I told them I wasn't good. I would say that they didn't want to get involved because I'm a runner, but they wouldn't listen. There have been few people in my life that I haven't run from. If you were someone i did, I hope you understand that that's my nature. Anyway, Sorry. Have a Nice Life

"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves."

~Author Unknown

The Saddest Birthday in the World

I... um... Today would've been a great day... or really, this would have been a great weekend... I would've been in woodville to surprise you, and had a great big surprise party for you... Bigger than last year. This time all your friends would have been there, not just the guys lol... after everyone left, we would've watched burlesque and cry baby and all the other movies you knew I hated but would make me watch anyway until you finally would fall asleep, tangled up in your weird shape, most likely holding on to my shirt cause you always had to make sure I was there.... I would've told you I love you and you'd say that since you were eighteen, I'd have to marry you now, and I'd tickle you and say ok, let's go to vegas then. I would've even skipped school today just to make you a little more happy. I really miss you Rae... You're always in my thoughts, and everything that happens now reminds me of you. I see tall blue heels everywhere now.... And today is really hard without you. I want to be angry with you. I want to yell and scream, but I can't. I.... I love you. And all you ever did was love me too. So I have to just hope that heaven's real and that I'll see you there one day... Happy birthday Frankie...

My first Photo Op

Just a couple of my shots that I liked

The Last Great Text

Sent on 12/31/11...
"I love you more than life itself. When I said marry me I meant it... I mean it. You make me happy on this whole new level...
And you make me want to spend my life trying to do the same for you!
:) I've had a good time with you so far on ur vacation. Thankyou."
Never waste time being mad, or angry, or playing games with someone you love. You don't know when you won't have them anymore...

Depression's a Female Dog

I hate this... I'm fine for a while, I went through most of today pretty ok, but then it just all comes crashing down again... I'm alone. I had someone who was crazy in love with me, and now I'm alone. I don't really know what to do... Lately, thinking about Frankie pisses me off. I want to scream at her, and tell her that she can't do this to me, that she can't make me happy and care about things, and then die and leave me alone and broken. Then I realize it doesn't matter, because she's gone, and she isn't coming back... I cry now. I don't cry when most others do, and it's not because i'm trying to be strong. As a matter of fact, it scares me that I can't cry with other people crying. It's like, when everyone starts crying about Frankie, my heart turns to ice. I just want them to shut up so I can move on with my life. Two nights ago, my roommate and his friend came in at 5 in the morning, drunk, and proceeded to be loud and obnoxious. Then, then it's finally settling down, I hear one of them crying and saying that it's not fair that she's gone. All I could think was that he needed to shut up so I could sleep. I felt no sympathy. Now I'm all alone in my room. I had got done watching a funny tv show 30 or so minutes ago, and felt pretty good. I checked facebook, and one picture.... that's all it took for me to break down and start crying again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live, or keep living. I feel empty, like I'm just going through motions. I can't do this. Frankie wouldn't want me to do this. She always simply wanted me to be happy, and I'm trying to do what she'd want. I'm trying to move past my pain, but it's not working...

"No matter where I go, No matter what choices I make, I will always love you"

A promise I made in 2010...

Frankie Baker and I