What are We Doing in this World?

Hmmm... So much to say.... First, Some people have problems (ya, talking to all the sociopaths out there, y'all know who ya are), and they need to see a therapist or have their brain checked. I mean, some people are in shitty relationships and it's funny and sad. If you aren't happy with someone more than 50% of the time, it's probably time to break up.
Next, I found out that hipsters can be funny too (Coldtowne Improv in Austin, look it up). Though I didn't get to go to it tonight, I like that the UT black community is trying to unify with others, I hope th

at went well tonight. I'd love to say that this presidential election is good for America, and that differing ideas will help to promote new growth and potential, but it won't. Romney is a big Fuckhead (And if you're offended by this, have you watched ANY news?), and the majority (I don't say all, because that would be a lie) of the Republican party are either, ignorant, racist, elitist, or too blinded by religion to listen to reason. Democrats are only slightly better, but at least they don't talk about "legitimate rape" (Like really? Rape is rape), say global warming is a myth, or talk about gay marriage like it's the most important thing in the world (Just let them be miserable like the rest of us!).
When I vote, I'm honestly not going to be that proud. This nation, actually no, this WORLD is just spinning it's gears. We should be figuring out how things work, how to end world hunger, how to send people to the moon. But we're busy saying just how wrong and evil "those" people are. The sad part is, it'll probably never change. The last generation says that mine is the one that will:
Be the end of Racism
Send people to mars
Figure out how to fight world hunger and AIDs
and generally just fix things.
But we won't. I mean, we most likely won't. We learned everything from our parents. Our worlds were brought closer together by Facebook and Twitter, and the Internet in general, but hate is still there. Like the west campus students who dropped bleach balloons on black students passing by. Or the guys who torture the gay kid. Or the people who think that every Islamic, Arab, or person person of brown skin is a Terrorist. I Honestly don't know why I'm even writing this. No one will read it because it's too long or it offends them. Or they'll pick apart my argument's little flaws and try to defend their side. I didn't even mean to write this much (I have like, 2 or 3 assignments I actually need to do), this was supposed to be a funny post about an argument with a crazy girl that I heard.
I don't even know what the purpose of this is or should be. I don't know why I want to change the world, or why I should try. Maybe it's enough that I do want to, and that I do try. The original meaning of the word cynic was a philosophy. it was simply to live a life of virtue and logic and to be someone who desires to help people. Now a cynic is someone who no longer has faith in Humanity. I suppose I'm somewhere in between now. Alright, I'm done.

The Ultimate Promise

There's not much I know with certainty, but I know I love you. This might scare you... but here I go...I want to give you this promise. I expect nothing in return. I know that you love me, and for now that is enough for me. I wouldn't change you for the world. If you need this time, then you need it. I trust you.

Mike, I promise to love you and only you for the rest of my life if you'll let me. I promise to protect you when you're afraid and be here for you when you need me, no matter what. I promise myself to you: I promise my heart, mind, and body to you... until you know longer want it, that right is yours. I will be your friend, ally, protector, listener, and lover. I will never knowingly or willingly hurt you. I will always be on your side. I will never use your toothbrush before you. I will never pin your arms while you sleep. I will learn to sleep with fewer blankets, and give you a little room to breathe. I will give you freedom and your space when you need it, and comfort and a place to be held when you need that. I will never again try and guilt you into things you don't want to do. I will not be jealous or catty, because I know your love is mine, I do not need constant reassurance. I will you cook you breakfast in my underwear on Sunday mornings after doing all the things you like on a Saturday night. I will be your best friend. I will trust you. I will hear you out,and listen to your problems and opinions. I will tell you how gorgeous you are at every opportunity and try my hardest to never damage your confidence or ego. I will never miss a chance to say I love you. I will never run away no matter how hard things get. I promise to love you for you, not for a fantasy or who someone else wants you to be. I promise to accept you as you are and never try and change you. I promise to never let things end the way they did with our parents. I promise to be your glo-worm forever. I promise to not sleep with a stuffed animal. I promise to never make you watch cry baby again. I promise to see any future Transformers movies or other action-y things in 3D, no argument.I promise to be your best friend if thats all I can be. I promise to play video games and watch whatever you like half of the time. I promise to never fake it. I promise that your name will be the only name I scream. I promise that no matter where I am you are in my heart and I am thinking of you. I promise that none of the pain, or fear, or confusion you've ever experienced will be a waste. I promise that I will not be a waste of your time or disappoint you. I will not let us go... I promise to love you. 

-Frankie Rae

What's Wrong with Me?

Why is it that everything I watch and read lately directly reflects on me and my life and issues? I just got done reading Divergent (which is a great book/series, don't get me wrong), and all of the weaknesses of the characters mirrior how I am in a way. My inability it care, my willingness to discard my life, even my daddy issues.
Now I'm watching an anime (Called School Days) where the "Hero", Itou, is a real Asshole. He meets this one girl (Named Seikai), right, and tells her that he loves another girl (named katsura). But after Sekai helps Itou get with Katsura, Itou basically gets bored with her and hooks up with Sekai! And he doesn't break up with Katsura. It's horrible and sad, and what's even worse is he ends up cheating on Sekai too!
Now, I've never done that, but the essence of it is what's bothering me. Itou confesses his "Love" for a girl, but once he has her, the "love" vanishes.... In 99% of my relationships, I've been the same way. What does that say about me? And everything lately has kinda been making me take a closer look at who I am and what I believe... I'm not a bad person....
Right? I'm nice, and sweet, and try to care about people. I help people when they ask, and I try to do what I think is best in a situation....
That redeems me?
Right?
:/

Me and Frankie in 4 pictures...

It started with a look I suppose... One look. I saw Rae and something in me snapped. I knew she was the one for me. Later I found out she felt the same way. It was the summer before I became a Sophomore. I was at the theatre day-camp that the director (which was her mother) had two weeks before school started. I didn't really know much about theatre, and I was nervous. But when I saw her, I knew everything would be ok. She always had that effect on me, she could make me feel ok whenever I was scared, or nervous, or sad.

Then came the "Playful Best Friend" Phase. It was no act, it wasn't me trying to get closer by being a friend. We truly were best friends. We told each other some of our deepest fears and desires, and trusted each other with almost everything. We knew how to make each  other laugh, and how to help with our pain.

By this time, she knew my feelings (I never hid that I wanted to be together from the start), but she wasn't ready for it (Later, she eventually told me that she realized that it would be all or nothing with me, and it scared her). So I kept her close, and kept pushing, but let her keep her wall up. I was pretty sure by now that she felt the same, so I had patience. I stayed silly, and we were happy for a time like this. Then she finally said yes...

The love we had will never be duplicated or matched. It was Perfect and beautiful. I'm still amazed by how two broken creatures such as us could have something so perfect. But great things never last.

R.I.P Frankie Rae Baker

I have and always will love you

You will be missed

My Facebook Rant on Race

    "The problem is nobody wants to talk about race anymore. It makes you uncomfortable? Good. It should make you uncomfortable at first. In my family, we openly discussed race (And some people might say it's because i'm mixed, and maybe so.) and my parents made sure that I wasn't ashamed or afraid to talk about race. White Privilege isn't a myth, it's a real thing. You think I'm lying?

Fact: there are only 4.9% of African American Undergraduates at UT, a so called "Super Liberal" University.

Fact: Predominantly black schools receive substantially less funding per pupil than predominantly white suburban schools.

Whites have had and do have an advantage in the world. Instead of acting like it's not true, own up to it, and try to do something about it!
Oh, and last thing, You think because we have a black President that racism is gone? Get real! Racism is everywhere now, and the reason people are saying it's part of our culture is because nobody is willing to stand up and say, this is wrong.

A black police officer was shot 28 (28!!!) times by four white cops. He survived, and now he's been arrested because the four white cops say that he pulled a gun on them! And there's been almost no coverage of it.

A girl on our campus tweeted that it was tempting to shoot Obama. At no point in our nations history have so many people openly disrespected the President, and 9 times out of 10, it's got some sort of racial ties."

And I just found this video of David Banner discussing the Trayvon Martin Issue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_jzYC2DQmY

Jealousy

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them

What is Life?

I'm not about to go into a long speech, I just question it sometimes. What are we doing here? Do we have a purpose, or are we all crazy coincidences? I Read Socrates's Allegory of the Cave, and it got my mind thinking (as good philosophy should do), "Am I simply chained to a wall, unable to see truth?". But regardless if everything is real, or if i'm just imaging it, I'm gonna try to be happy. 

"Imagine a Puddle waking up one morning and thinking,

'This is an interesting world I find myself in. An interesting hole I find myself in, it fits me rather neatly, doesn't it?

In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!'

This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright,

because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it,

so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise"

-Douglas Adams

My Apology... Sort of

I want to start by saying that I'm truly sorry to the people that I've hurt, neglected, or simply treated wrongly in the past. I'd love to tell you I'm a different man now, or that I've changed. I'd love to, but can't. I am the same person now that I was 2, 5, even 9 years ago (Moved to Texas around that time, before then, I was different). I've always just been me, I haven't changed much for the most part. I've been goofy, and I joke a lot, and I've always been one to do things in spite of people. I also acknowledge that there's been times where I used people. I would use them, I'd toy with feelings, then I'd leave them alone before I got attached myself, and for that I do apologize. It was wrong of me, but at the same time, it wasn't all my fault, and I won't burden the blame in it's entirety. Anyone who I did that to, I told them I wasn't good. I would say that they didn't want to get involved because I'm a runner, but they wouldn't listen. There have been few people in my life that I haven't run from. If you were someone i did, I hope you understand that that's my nature. Anyway, Sorry. Have a Nice Life

"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves."

~Author Unknown

The Saddest Birthday in the World

I... um... Today would've been a great day... or really, this would have been a great weekend... I would've been in woodville to surprise you, and had a great big surprise party for you... Bigger than last year. This time all your friends would have been there, not just the guys lol... after everyone left, we would've watched burlesque and cry baby and all the other movies you knew I hated but would make me watch anyway until you finally would fall asleep, tangled up in your weird shape, most likely holding on to my shirt cause you always had to make sure I was there.... I would've told you I love you and you'd say that since you were eighteen, I'd have to marry you now, and I'd tickle you and say ok, let's go to vegas then. I would've even skipped school today just to make you a little more happy. I really miss you Rae... You're always in my thoughts, and everything that happens now reminds me of you. I see tall blue heels everywhere now.... And today is really hard without you. I want to be angry with you. I want to yell and scream, but I can't. I.... I love you. And all you ever did was love me too. So I have to just hope that heaven's real and that I'll see you there one day... Happy birthday Frankie...

My first Photo Op

Just a couple of my shots that I liked

The Last Great Text

Sent on 12/31/11...
"I love you more than life itself. When I said marry me I meant it... I mean it. You make me happy on this whole new level...
And you make me want to spend my life trying to do the same for you!
:) I've had a good time with you so far on ur vacation. Thankyou."
Never waste time being mad, or angry, or playing games with someone you love. You don't know when you won't have them anymore...

Depression's a Female Dog

I hate this... I'm fine for a while, I went through most of today pretty ok, but then it just all comes crashing down again... I'm alone. I had someone who was crazy in love with me, and now I'm alone. I don't really know what to do... Lately, thinking about Frankie pisses me off. I want to scream at her, and tell her that she can't do this to me, that she can't make me happy and care about things, and then die and leave me alone and broken. Then I realize it doesn't matter, because she's gone, and she isn't coming back... I cry now. I don't cry when most others do, and it's not because i'm trying to be strong. As a matter of fact, it scares me that I can't cry with other people crying. It's like, when everyone starts crying about Frankie, my heart turns to ice. I just want them to shut up so I can move on with my life. Two nights ago, my roommate and his friend came in at 5 in the morning, drunk, and proceeded to be loud and obnoxious. Then, then it's finally settling down, I hear one of them crying and saying that it's not fair that she's gone. All I could think was that he needed to shut up so I could sleep. I felt no sympathy. Now I'm all alone in my room. I had got done watching a funny tv show 30 or so minutes ago, and felt pretty good. I checked facebook, and one picture.... that's all it took for me to break down and start crying again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live, or keep living. I feel empty, like I'm just going through motions. I can't do this. Frankie wouldn't want me to do this. She always simply wanted me to be happy, and I'm trying to do what she'd want. I'm trying to move past my pain, but it's not working...

"No matter where I go, No matter what choices I make, I will always love you"

A promise I made in 2010...

Frankie Baker and I

I would like to take a moment...

I really don't know how to describe myself right now... Like, I would love to say I'm slowly getting better, and that I'm rebuilding my life without my best friend, but I'm not. I really feel... numb. I almost want to cut myself. I used to get so pissed when I heard people cut themselves. But now I slightly understand. I still don't think it's right, and i don't think anyone should, but I kinda get it. It's like, all I feel is numbness and this constant, brainracking pain and loss... but cutting provides a sick form of control... You can control the pain.. And I pass by the spot where.... ya... and I think, what if I just run into someone too? It wouldn't be hard. But I won't do that. She wouldn't want that. She'd want me to keep living, and be happy... But I don't really remember how to do that. But I'm trying. This... Grief Councillor... has contacted me. Maybe I need it... I don't want to talk, mostly because there's nothing to verbally say, but I have to try something.

You're Gone...

I can't begin... I'm lost. You Really were my world... and you're gone. I don't know what to to. It hurts to breathe knowing that I'll never hear you say I love you... You've had my heart since we met. I was your first kiss.... Things were hard. But We were always there for each other. I just want you back.... I'm crying right now. I'll watch out for your twin, like I told you I would. I'll be strong. I just feel like... A piece of me is dead. I need you. You were my better half. I love you.

"I love you. There's alot in my life I'm unsure of, so much I don't know. But I know that one thing. I love you, without a doubt."

-Frankie Rae Baker

Frankie Rae, 1994-2011