I would like to take a moment...

I really don't know how to describe myself right now... Like, I would love to say I'm slowly getting better, and that I'm rebuilding my life without my best friend, but I'm not. I really feel... numb. I almost want to cut myself. I used to get so pissed when I heard people cut themselves. But now I slightly understand. I still don't think it's right, and i don't think anyone should, but I kinda get it. It's like, all I feel is numbness and this constant, brainracking pain and loss... but cutting provides a sick form of control... You can control the pain.. And I pass by the spot where.... ya... and I think, what if I just run into someone too? It wouldn't be hard. But I won't do that. She wouldn't want that. She'd want me to keep living, and be happy... But I don't really remember how to do that. But I'm trying. This... Grief Councillor... has contacted me. Maybe I need it... I don't want to talk, mostly because there's nothing to verbally say, but I have to try something.