Depression's a Female Dog

I hate this... I'm fine for a while, I went through most of today pretty ok, but then it just all comes crashing down again... I'm alone. I had someone who was crazy in love with me, and now I'm alone. I don't really know what to do... Lately, thinking about Frankie pisses me off. I want to scream at her, and tell her that she can't do this to me, that she can't make me happy and care about things, and then die and leave me alone and broken. Then I realize it doesn't matter, because she's gone, and she isn't coming back... I cry now. I don't cry when most others do, and it's not because i'm trying to be strong. As a matter of fact, it scares me that I can't cry with other people crying. It's like, when everyone starts crying about Frankie, my heart turns to ice. I just want them to shut up so I can move on with my life. Two nights ago, my roommate and his friend came in at 5 in the morning, drunk, and proceeded to be loud and obnoxious. Then, then it's finally settling down, I hear one of them crying and saying that it's not fair that she's gone. All I could think was that he needed to shut up so I could sleep. I felt no sympathy. Now I'm all alone in my room. I had got done watching a funny tv show 30 or so minutes ago, and felt pretty good. I checked facebook, and one picture.... that's all it took for me to break down and start crying again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live, or keep living. I feel empty, like I'm just going through motions. I can't do this. Frankie wouldn't want me to do this. She always simply wanted me to be happy, and I'm trying to do what she'd want. I'm trying to move past my pain, but it's not working...

"No matter where I go, No matter what choices I make, I will always love you"

A promise I made in 2010...

Frankie Baker and I

I would like to take a moment...

I really don't know how to describe myself right now... Like, I would love to say I'm slowly getting better, and that I'm rebuilding my life without my best friend, but I'm not. I really feel... numb. I almost want to cut myself. I used to get so pissed when I heard people cut themselves. But now I slightly understand. I still don't think it's right, and i don't think anyone should, but I kinda get it. It's like, all I feel is numbness and this constant, brainracking pain and loss... but cutting provides a sick form of control... You can control the pain.. And I pass by the spot where.... ya... and I think, what if I just run into someone too? It wouldn't be hard. But I won't do that. She wouldn't want that. She'd want me to keep living, and be happy... But I don't really remember how to do that. But I'm trying. This... Grief Councillor... has contacted me. Maybe I need it... I don't want to talk, mostly because there's nothing to verbally say, but I have to try something.

You're Gone...

I can't begin... I'm lost. You Really were my world... and you're gone. I don't know what to to. It hurts to breathe knowing that I'll never hear you say I love you... You've had my heart since we met. I was your first kiss.... Things were hard. But We were always there for each other. I just want you back.... I'm crying right now. I'll watch out for your twin, like I told you I would. I'll be strong. I just feel like... A piece of me is dead. I need you. You were my better half. I love you.

"I love you. There's alot in my life I'm unsure of, so much I don't know. But I know that one thing. I love you, without a doubt."

-Frankie Rae Baker

Frankie Rae, 1994-2011