I would like to take a moment...

I really don't know how to describe myself right now... Like, I would love to say I'm slowly getting better, and that I'm rebuilding my life without my best friend, but I'm not. I really feel... numb. I almost want to cut myself. I used to get so pissed when I heard people cut themselves. But now I slightly understand. I still don't think it's right, and i don't think anyone should, but I kinda get it. It's like, all I feel is numbness and this constant, brainracking pain and loss... but cutting provides a sick form of control... You can control the pain.. And I pass by the spot where.... ya... and I think, what if I just run into someone too? It wouldn't be hard. But I won't do that. She wouldn't want that. She'd want me to keep living, and be happy... But I don't really remember how to do that. But I'm trying. This... Grief Councillor... has contacted me. Maybe I need it... I don't want to talk, mostly because there's nothing to verbally say, but I have to try something.

You're Gone...

I can't begin... I'm lost. You Really were my world... and you're gone. I don't know what to to. It hurts to breathe knowing that I'll never hear you say I love you... You've had my heart since we met. I was your first kiss.... Things were hard. But We were always there for each other. I just want you back.... I'm crying right now. I'll watch out for your twin, like I told you I would. I'll be strong. I just feel like... A piece of me is dead. I need you. You were my better half. I love you.

"I love you. There's alot in my life I'm unsure of, so much I don't know. But I know that one thing. I love you, without a doubt."

-Frankie Rae Baker

Frankie Rae, 1994-2011

A Strange Dream

I had a dream last night that was like watching a movie. Two demi-angel friends (Idk how else to describe them and the situation they were in. They were extra strong and could jump super far, but were around 15-16.) were hanging out around a giant mansion when they came across a massive glowing tree.
One of them (I never got their names, but they were both girls, we'll call them Blue and Red.) said to the other, "I know what this place is. This is the original Tree of Power. If we eat the fruit from the tree, we can be stronger than the Elders." Blue was hesitant. "I don't know... Something about this Tree seems.... dark. I don't want to. Let's leave Red."
Red, however, was hypnotized. "I must have it. Blue, this is our destiny." Red reached for the fruit and took a huge bite, and for a moment, she glowed with the same powerful aura as the tree. Then, in a scream of pain, she fell to the floor. Blue ran all the way back to the Hall of the Elders and told them what happened. They told her that the tree was the original Tree of Good and Evil that caused the downfall of the humans. The Elders told her that the fruit would cause anyone with angel blood to become a demon, and that Red was lost to them now. the only way to defeat Red now would be to give her 5 more of the fruits around the Eden mansion.
Blue returned to Eden and got to Red, and she saw the last of her friend's transformation. Red had become a monstrous ball of darkness and shadow with tentacles. "Blue, you've come back. Excellent. Eat the fruit and join me." Blue replied, "Red, I'm so sorry.... I've come to defeat you..." Red howled with rage, "Fine! I will destroy you then!"
Blue ran to find the first fruit, which was in a spare room close to the back of Eden. When she finally got to it, she flung it at Red, who absorbed it, and shrieked as if in pain, but grew in size. In the rest of the dream, Blue went to other locations like the green room and the pool (That was a kool scene, She had to swim for it and was almost consumed).
Then I woke up :( I didn't get to finish it. It was a really kool dream though.

My favorite poems are written for women that I’ve loved and for women that I’ve hurt,
amazing moments in my life, and relationships that didn’t work.
The map of this human heart starts at the age of 15
when I lost my virginity to a lady slightly older.
And like most younger boys, it was based on the many lies that I told her 
just to hold her and to show her that I had so much to prove,
like I had more experience than she thought I knew. And even though it wasn’t true, 
it was amazing. 
But it ended because I did what most young boys do: 
listen to the rumors and the lies of a fool, which ultimately led to this poor girl getting socked in the jaw in the middle of school.
And even though I didn’t do it,
I felt like I was the one to blame cause the girl who hit her was the cousin of my man who was saltin' my game
and even now, looking back, I feel sort of ashamed.
Next came
a handful of one night stands and in the back of my mind I thought it might make me a man,
but instead I think it was an invite for the rest of my life to be damned
for further examination of my affairs between woman and man.
I mean, man, it gets stressful.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, it always starts special,
but it seems to end with the grays of at the least bit neglectful,
and at the most disrespectful.
But then around the age of 19 it felt like I let go.
That’s when I fell for my first girlfriend
and it was like a whirlwind. I mean,
do you remember when that you felt that if you did not see her today, that it would literally hurt you in a physical way?
Well, that’s how it was the first time I fell in love.
Shit, I drove to my pop’s house in the middle of the night, woke him up, and told him I got bit by the bug. And
pops, he kind of looked at me with a smile in his eyes,
as if to recognize that, me,
I was moving on to the next part of my life.
You see, that was the first girl that that I made love to,
to a point of
tears
and I can still hear her whisper in my ear
that she could feel me... melt into her.... when I was deep inside her.
With a statement like that, I knew the feelings that she felt for me were not minor,
but major,
but then I, all of a sudden,
had this overwhelming feeling like...
I like no longer wanted to date her.
It’s not like I was tryin to play her,
I just I knew in my heart I no longer could stay there.
And...
So, that ended
as quickly as it started. And accusations of me being cold-hearted
and here I stand,
guilty as charged.
For it was Dinner. Chinese Food,
and I just stopped and said, “Yo,
I 'm just not into this no more.”


And she was silent....


Then I hit it one time in the car before I dropped her off at the front door.
And why am I telling you all this?
Cause recently I had the realization, or at least,
I have come to terms that in my many relations there were many lessons that I did not learn.
Even though I know I should have and could have been a better man,
and instead I let her land flat on her face instead of helping her to land on her feet. Sometimes I ache for the company of a woman to make me feel complete.
But that never works,
because before I can be happy with you, I gotta be happy with me.
Now the God in me is looking at the man I be,
f#*kin with mass girls, causing mass insanity,
with no thoughts of family,
just simply recreation,
but then I had the realization.
The dynamic of man and woman....
is creation.
And I’m not just talking about the creation of children,
I’m talking about the creation of a feeling:
life, love, and dedication, which ultimately ensues in the creation of a better me,
and the creation of a better you. See,
Sex,
Sex at it’s best, is creation.
But at least,
it should at least be concentration.
I mean, if I’m making love to you,
I should be making love to you.
You should be the first person that I see when I walk in the room.
And now, looking back at all that s#!t that I used to do,
nowadays don’t seem cool.
But tell me what the f%*k am I supposed to do?
And then a wise man gave me a clue
He said,
“The only way out is the way through.”